just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
