I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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