Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
