Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
