New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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