people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
