I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
