I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
