Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
