oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
