paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
