My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
