the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
