I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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