I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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