life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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