i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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