Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
