I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
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