I'm so fucking centered right now
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
His hands were made for my vagina.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
