I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
