she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
