Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
