thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
