i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
