first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
