I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
