i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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