peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
