Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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