but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
