I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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