You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
