Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
