Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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