I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
