Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
