I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
