You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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