just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
