If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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