i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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