I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
