My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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