Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
