if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
