I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
