Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
