She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
