you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
that's an acceptable place to lick
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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