Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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