My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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