Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
