i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you inspire me to be a worse person
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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