All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
