I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
