$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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