Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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